Tradition-- New or Old??

So the response card.

I love the little tiny beautiful cards and sending them to my guests and waiting for them to reply is something I'm embarrassingly excited for.

But

I can't help thinking of all the PAPER! I'm attached to a recycled paper product for the invites anyway, but to enclose three pieces of additional paper into an envelope with the invitation seems terribly wasteful. I am consequently wondering if I can tastefully add a line to the RSVP card about responding via email. Not that that *really* saves any paper because they will print envelopes with my parents address on them anyway, and I'd still have to include them in the invitation for those who will not RSVP online (older generation, firm traditionalists, hermits etc) but I would like to at least make the nod to those who would definitely prefer an online response and not include an envelope for them?

Anyone else worried about trees?

So it begins

We've been engaged for a week as of a few hours ago. The most common question is

"have you set a date?"

The trouble is, setting a date means having
1. A venue
2. The permission of the people in charge of the venue
3. Made deposits, arrangements, decisions etc

I will say we're well on our way. A longtime favorite restaurant of mine in New York will let us take it over on a Saturday afternoon, and my very amazing Dad found a historic church about fifteen minutes from our house in New York that seems like it can handle our multiple-denominational marriage. Drama continues on the sibling front (his) with a comment passed at dinner that his brother in law may refuse, for religious reasons, to attend the ceremony. To which my response is "OK, see you at the reception, or when we get back from our honeymoon!"

BUT

Is it too much to ask that someone show up at a service for a religion they are not part of when you did the same for their wedding? Heaven knows five days after his sister was engaged no one was sitting her down and asking her how she was accommodating ME. I'm not saying anyone should have, either, just that the expectation that someone is going to change the date or venue of their wedding to accommodate your preferences seems a little...much?

Miss Manners, Engaged?

I have a wonderful Fiance and a beautiful ring and am very happy

Oh Veils....

So here is what Emily has to say on veils:

"As for her veil in its combination of lace or tulle and orange blossoms, perhaps it is copied from a head-dress of Egypt or China, or from the severe drapery of Rebecca herself, or proclaim the knowing touch of the Rue de la Paix. It may have a cap, like that of a lady in a French print, or fall in clouds of tulle from under a little wreath, such as might be worn by a child Queen of the May.

The origin of the bridal veil is an unsettled question.

Roman brides wore "yellow veils," and veils were used in the ancient Hebrew marriage ceremony. The veil as we use it may be a substitute for the flowing tresses which in old times fell like a mantle modestly concealing the bride's face and form; or it may be an amplification of the veil which medieval fashion added to every head-dress.

In olden days the garland rather than the veil seems to have been of greatest importance. The garland was the "coronet of the good girl," and her right to wear it was her inalienable attribute of virtue.

Very old books speak of three ornaments that every virtuous bride must wear, "a ring on her finger, a brooch on her breast and a garland on her head."

A bride who had no dowry of gold was said nevertheless to bring her husband great treasure, if she brought him a garland—in other words, a virtuous wife.

At present the veil is usually mounted by a milliner on a made foundation, so that it need merely be put on—but every young girl has an idea of how she personally wants her wedding veil and may choose rather to put it together herself or have it done by some particular friend, whose taste and skill she especially admires.

If she chooses to wear a veil over her face up the aisle and during the ceremony, the front veil is always a short separate piece about a yard square, gathered on an invisible band, and pinned with a hair pin at either side, after the long veil is arranged. It is taken off by the maid of honor when she gives back the bride's bouquet at the conclusion of the ceremony.

The face veil is a rather old-fashioned custom, and is appropriate only for a very young bride of a demure type; the tradition being that a maiden is too shy to face a congregation unveiled, and shows her face only when she is a married woman."

I'm on the petite side of brides, and any mental image of myself in a bridal veil immediately conjures figures of drowning under yards of tulle. Mantilla veils are lovely, but I think that a five foot girl does not need a three foot veil to improve on her figure. My favorite wedding look has been the large bun at the name with a gardenia or orchid or calla lily fastened on the side. However I have reason to believe my mother would have a heart attack if I wore NO veil....so what about a birdcage? Shown above, just a wisp of net and the flower I have in mind...keep the flower on for the reception and lose the veil post-ceremony? It could also be an arts and crafts project for me and my hyper-crafty MoH to be....

HOW many?

As a game, AF and I sat down last night to make a wedding guest list. We have a venue in mind (though we know it might not pan out) and so we let its maximum seating dictate our guest number, and given that 120 was the number I had in my mind as "big enough" but "not a spectacle" I was pretty satisfied. 120, I figured, is enough people that everyone who really matters to us will be invited and there will be a minimum of strangers staring at me for a day who AF can't say "Oh this is my dear aunt so-and-so"

Not so easy!

I have a HUGE family so squeezing them into 40 spaces was a feat worthy of any yogi but I JUST got there. AF has a TINY family but he's sure he's missing enough people to make it to 40. It's OUR 40 that's the trouble, mostly because HE is at the age where all of his friends are married. So who gets a plus one? Married couples, yes, fiancees, sure, long term relationships with partners we don't necessarily like? Do I have to have partners I don't necessarily like at my wedding? Is that my first touch of bridezilla?

Emily can't help me here, no such thing as a live-in boyfriend in 1922...

Something from the weekend....

So AF and I are huge believers in supporting our public library by keeping their circulation figures high. During our weekly visit we found ourselves in the wedding section and thought "why not?" and brought a few simple wedding planners home with us just to see what was out there.

Two hours later

"Ding-Dong"

In walks AF's sister and her new husband. The pair of us covered the books with nearby objects (bathrobes, cook books, foliage...) like we'd been caught looking at something far more scandalous. The newlyweds didn't notice a thing to which I say PHEW

We're not ready for it to be about anyone else yet.....

Beautiful places....

I'm not an alumna here, but AF does tell a very amusing story about his first ever trip to Duke, having never visited the college, seeing the chapel rising over the hill as he drove down and thinking "Oh no what have I gotten myself into!"

Pros: Close by for the friends of his who will have the hardest time traveling (i.e. the one with the small child and baby on the way) meaningful for AF, I have some relative alumni who would be thrilled to go back, beautiful, beautiful building.
Cons: Not uniquely meaningful for me, South Carolina weather makes me limp and fainty (could address that by a late fall wedding...) my DM (darling Mother) does not want to travel (this will be a recurring theme)
The most grandiose of our shared alma maters buildings. We have never gone here for religious reasons but did attend a lecture on the human rights violations in Gaza by some very controversial Norwegians.
Pros: Meaningful for both of us, absolutely stunning building, some his-side relatives are nearby, some of our mutual friends are nearby, there are ample places to stay/do for travelers, and there is an orthodox community there which will mitigate the religious inconvenience to one of his sisters by our wedding (potentially a LOT more on that later)
Cons: Its huge. HUGE. We could theoretically use the chancel and have it stuffed but it is a VERY large building and would probably be quite a feat to decorate. Also, DM does not want to travel..
Bond Chapel-- I have gone here for religious services but never with AF. I love that its hidden away in the quadrangles and is covered in ivy and full of stained glass. My parents have been here too...
Pros: it is EXACTLY the right size for the wedding size we want. We'd totally fill it and it would be quite beautiful. Some his-side relatives are nearby, some of our mutual friends are nearby, there are ample places to stay/do for travelers, and there is an orthodox community there which will mitigate the religious inconvenience to one of his sisters by our wedding (yes that is also a recurring theme in favor of Chicago)
Cons: DM doesn't want to travel.




So these are some places that AF and I are eligible due to our separate and combined nerdiness to get married. Someone suggested looking at university venues as a way to keep the budget within reason and as it happens Duke and the University of Chicago both come with very attractive spots....

Something I love...

(My other Love..)


It's a pain getting my bike off the balcony, through the living room, down the stairs, out the door and onto the sidewalk without injuring myself (or my bike). I'm clumsy, and those pedals have sharp metal teeth to hold my feet on. But I love...

- Being able to ride my bike to Wholefoods with AF for just enough food for dinner
- Being able to get library books home and returned without driving anywhere
- Riding my bike to the farmers market on a Saturday morning and sitting under a tree with a croissant and an iced coffee
- Having something we can do together that is intentional, environmentally aware, physically aware and just plain good fun...


Something I'm trying to focus on recently is being aware of how many things in my life are SO good and being thankful for them...so this is one!

A girls best frenemy...

I don't have an engagement ring, and I'm not engaged, but I have spent a lot of hours in the last few months hand in hand with my Almost Fiance (AF) looking into jewelers cases and trying things on.

Professionally, I work for a humanitarian organization that addresses conflict in, among other places, Africa. Academically I could have written a thesis on the evils of the diamond industry. I went into the "lets look at rings!" stage fully committed to a sapphire (Emily even approves! "There is also sentiment for a sapphire's "depth of true blue.") Then I found myself in front of a diamond ring for the first time and wavered...

There are a million reasons not to wear a diamond. The high cost of new diamonds keeps the trade in conflict diamonds active, even if your diamond is from Canada or Kimberly processed, diamond mining can be held responsible for at least one war (Boer) and one horrific domestic policy (apartheid) and that's before you get to the modern incarnation of mutilation and smuggling, the diamond industry was, until quite lately, a cartel and so wearing a diamond had the moral equivalency of wearing cocaine, diamond mining is hardly an environmentally ethical practice (waste disposal, ground water contamination...)I can continue. I had continued. I still thought the ring was beautiful, but I never quite shook the "you know better" feeling.

Until this weekend.

The diamond is from some time between 1825 and 1920 (old European cut). The ring is platinum. I'm not on any sort of high horse here-- I realize that this diamond may have had as much to do with conflict as any one I bought new today--- but the ring, with all its intricate platinum filigree and art-deco accent settings had one thing no other ring we looked at had:

A love story of its own.

IF that's the ring I wear for the rest of forever (and I have no way of knowing for sure, though a recent cleaning of someone's upper dresser drawer strongly suggests it is...) I will be the second person to have worn it. I will be its second story. I will be the second person to have promised to love, honor, and cherish the giver. I will be the second person to have put it on and thought "THIS is it" I will be the second chapter in the rings story.

And I like that.

Welcome! I'm glad you're here...

The right-off-the-bat disclaimer? I'm not married. I'm also not Miss Manners.

The first part looks like it might change soon (we picked out the ring this weekend) and the second is more of an aspiration. In the last year I've attended two "family" weddings, and in the next month I'm heading off to two more. The question that I'm left with is

WHAT is UP with WEDDINGS?

Why do sane, practical women become total lunatics over brightly-colored-taffeta? How can anyone register for a $60.00 bathmat? Why does EVERY SINGLE ENGAGEMENT RING look EXACTLY like the one next to it? Why is everything so expensive? Finally....where did the idea go that the wedding is about two people turning into one family, and celebrating the people that brought them there and shared the journey with them?

More to the point: am I going to turn into one of Those Brides?

I have two sources of wedding advice:
Emily Post

I've read the 1922 "Etiquette" cover to cover over and over and its section on weddings inspires me by its lack of mention of registries, "the 4 Cs!", Bridal showers or cash bars...

My Father

My parents have been married for more than 30 years. The only piece of wedding advice my father has ever given is the following "Weddings are not important. Marriage is important"

So I'm writing this blog to remind myself of just that...and hoping to solve some of the wedding conundrums along the way...